Feeling the soft waves occasionally bring the warm water far enough to meet my feet I was able to turn my brain off. Sitting there alone on the sand I was able to release my mind. My husband had both of the girls with their floaties in the shallow lake so I knew they were safe. They were far enough out so that my ears didn’t attach to their voices. Instead, my ears were able to get lost in the general hum of other noises around. I was able to disengage from any responsibility for any other person, release my mind from anticipating someone else’s needs and stop thinking about anything at all. I spent several minutes simply watching the sun glisten on the water ahead of me and it was glorious.
My oldest daughter broke my focus when she came up to me with a smile and offered me a hug. She must have noticed that I had been dazing and had assumed that I was upset or sad. I assured her that I was just enjoying watching the boats go by but she still decided to sit in front of me and start to build a sand mound (not a castle, just a large pile of sand). Whether this was just because the sand called to her, if it was to make sure I was indeed alright, or because she felt my calmness and wanted to bask in it I am not sure.
I indeed felt calmer than when we had arrived. I was way more relaxed and calm than I had expected I would be at a body of water while sitting on sand (not my typical favorite activity). I didn’t fully realize the shift that had taken place until we were packing up to leave. This activity would usually be met with an onslaught of annoyance or frustration. Getting kids out of the water, dried, dusted off, and clothed can be a herculean task at times. Rather than the usual feelings, however, I noticed that I was actually calm, in an almost nonchalant mood.
I noticed my mind was more clear and was able to actually problem solve to minimize the sand on the beach blanket. I heard myself speak softer to my children while guiding them through getting dressed. I took tiny moments to play while dressing them and gathering our things. In short, I was the parent I strive to be but the one that seems to get lost so often behind feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, and even rage.
What’s really going on
I realized that I don’t allow myself the opportunity to release and just be. I am constantly thinking, attending to, or planning out something. Even as I sleep I am astutely aware of little noises in the next room. Blankets moving, tiny snores or coughs, tiny feet hitting against the wall while they sleep. Even when I sleep I am attending to and aware of things! No wonder I am so exhausted when I wake up.
I decided then that I need to start cultivating this opportunity. To allow myself, not to relax, but to release. To release the expectations, responsibilities, running monologue in my head, and sensory input. It seemed to restore me. To allow me to be the person and parent that I wanted to be in the moments after.
In those minutes at the lake, I was engaged and present. I wasn’t just completely zoning out or disassociating. Meditation would be the closest proximity experience, however, it seemed different. I was like a natural meditation that I did not need to convince or prepare myself to do.
The Realization
That had to be it. I was finally able to actually meditate. Probably for the first time since I actually became a mom. Strange that it felt so foreign to me. I used to meditate daily before going to work. I have tried to meditate since having babies but the time seems to disappear. I have been relying heavily on simply mindfulness. Being mindful of my environment and myself. However, I seemed to forget how to release. I was minding everything and not letting it go, I was missing step 2 (letting it float past).
One would usually advise a person to do the activities they enjoy. However, all those who know me know that a summer day at a lake that smelled a bit like fish, sitting on sand (I hate sand) would not be an activity that I enjoy. It seems strange that this time would be when I found meditation again. I think the key elements were that I felt safe. I felt my kids were safe without me having to watch them. I was also removed from being able to do much of anything else (no laundry, dishes, dogs).
Self-care
Self-care is by now a buzzword and that takes away from the challenge that truly taking care of yourself is. Not in the usual water and feed yourself (however that can be challenging too) but in actually committing to keeping your personal wellbeing in focus. It’s not bubble baths and manicures (unless that is what truly restores your wellness).
Even when I have a friend watch my kids or get a babysitter I feel a sense of urgency to return. The urgency to not be a burden. The need to hurry up and get stuff done because we don’t have a big babysitting budget. Waiting until the kids are asleep is also definitely not the answer to everything. I realized I need to take advantage of even the small moments to do what is restorative and not just distracting.
During that time at the lake, I learned that I need meditation. That’s what restores me. It’s not the whole puzzle but it’s an important piece. I learned that I not only need to prioritize myself but also take advantage of moments. It wasn’t a scheduled meditation time. It simply happened, and yes, was ultimately interrupted by a child. But if I can daily accept that imperfection in my meditation practice I feel like I can more easily manage and regulate my own emotions.
Making it work for you
Meditation is what works for me, however not everyone is the same. Also having a variety of things that can restore ourselves when our first choice doesn’t seem to work.
Take a look at this Restorative Menu for some ideas.
Restorative Menu (15 downloads )-Jes