Sharing is a difficult concept to teach. Honestly, it was a difficult concept for me to enforce as well. Usually because of its many different definitions that are used inconsistently.
Sharing is… always a problem somehow. There were many times during play dates and cousin visits that fights would start. Fights over whose turn it was or who had what toy when. Sharing issues seem to arise daily. Often as parents and caregivers, we are at a loss to navigate these disputes calmly (or maybe it was just me). I know that I would get flustered and frustrated every time my children would scream that the other stole something out of their hand or were complaining they “never get a turn”.
I also had a little bit of an issue with the typical sharing expectations. Children are often to give over whatever they are using whenever another child asked for it. No wonder no one ever wants to share. I don’t want to give over what I am using in the middle of my using it. It also triggered me as a woman since it seemed girl children were expected to give over whatever they had more often than boy children. I am not sure if this is consistent with other groups but I saw it frequently on our playgrounds and playdates. I know there is research about how adults talk to little boys and girls differently, even if they say they don’t subscribe to traditional gender roles. It seems logical that it could carry over into the sharing realm as well.
Sharing is Caring
I kind of hate this phrase even though I have said it before myself. While it does rhyme it’s too broad. It can be used as emotional manipulation (if you don’t give me that thing when I want it you don’t care about me). I have even seen my then-5-year-old use it in such a way. And even if she did not intend it in such a way this is the message the other child (and myself) got.
What we really mean is that sharing things you have is one way you can show you care. It is not the only way people show love and affection.
These interactions and issues were what led me to think about what behaviors we could break sharing down into and then how to teach it.
Sharing is asking and waiting
This one might seem odd at first but the first step to sharing is usually asking for something to be shared. This needs to be done appropriately based on developmental milestones and language. Children also need to be able to develop the skills to wait until the other person says “yes” or hands them the item. It is common for young children to ask and then grab without waiting for a response. This simply needs practice and a little patience.
Parents can help develop and strengthen these skills by setting up a situation with themselves and their child where these skills need to be used. Coloring with limited colors will raise the need to ask for a color that is being used. Adults can demonstrate and coach the child to not grab the item while they are using it, and to instead wait patiently. When teaching this skill make sure the waiting time starts out short and then progressively gets longer as they tolerate the waiting.
Sharing is giving a turn
We had a bit of an issue with ‘hogging’ or ‘hoarding’ toys or other play items. There was a concept going around our kid group that once they gave up an item then they wouldn’t get it back. While this may make some sense since children seem to have shorter attention spans than even they predict, it led to lots of issues.
The rule we used was: if you are not currently using it then another can play with it. If you still want to play with it you can invite the child to play with you.
You cannot keep a multitude of things or toys because you might want to play with them in the future. Same for craft supplies. If a child has a plan for a picture and needs 5 butterfly sequins then they need to ask the group if that is ok with everyone. They may need to help other children also find butterfly sequins to use in their picture, or compromise with 3 or 4 so another friend can use one too.
This is HARD. It is a hard skill to teach and especially when they are the ones compromising. The kids like this rule when it allows them to also benefit. Kids of elementary age are really into fairness. This concept relates to that. Learning how to manage conflict is important as well. It can be very annoying to work on but when your children are helping each other find a compromise that all of them can work with it will feel like a breath of fresh air.
Sharing is Giving
Sometimes sharing means giving without expecting in return. It’s giving a friend some chips, letting them use your stick-on earrings, or having one of your favorite popsicles. We give what we have in abundance.
Parents can demonstrate this when we have things in abundance ourselves. Adults may share veggies they grow in their garden with their neighbors or let a friend use or have some clothes. When parents do these things in front of their children it communicates that sharing in this way is just something that we do. This can make it easier for the child to share in this way in the future.
Sharing is including others
Our house also has a rule to include all who want to join. This may mean welcoming them into the game or allowing them to take a turn. I realized that this plays into sharing as well so I included it. It’s a bit like teaching improv skills. For those who don’t have a background in theatre or improv, the first rule is “yes, and”. When someone in an improv brings an idea into play everyone else accepts it and then moves forward (even if it’s completely absurd). Including others, especially in pretend play, is just like this. Children can learn to incorporate the new friend in play and even work with what they want to bring (like a dinosaur to a doll house). They will need some coaching and it will take time, but they can learn.
Parents can help this one along by randomly coming into child-only play time with a contribution to the game. The adult-introduced item should start out the same or as similar to the current pretend play as possible and move to more and more absurd as time goes on. This skill can also be worked on directly by coaching children to allow their new friends to play and helping them find a common storyline.
Sharing isn’t easy
Sharing is not an easy skill to teach and actually breaks down into several different behaviors that work together. I covered a few briefly in this post. The key is to teach and coach children through these skills based on where they are developmentally. I have created a printable poster to help remind you (and your children) of the different things sharing might mean.
Parents and caregivers can further encourage these sharing behaviors by following them up with positive praise and attention. You may also consider using some sort of reinforcer related to these behaviors if they have been big issues in your home.
Printable
Find a pdf version of this poster here. Print it out or send it to be printed. Review these concepts with your children (and everyone in the home) and use this as a reminder to keep everyone on track.
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Share with us
If you have questions, or comments or think we forgot something contact us through our contact page. And, as always, if you need some individualized behavioral support text us at: 772-207-0804