Planning Positive Attention

Planning Positive Attention

jessicalkarr

3 Nov, 2023

Your kids are driving you crazy, won’t listen, and seem to be constantly doing things they know they aren’t supposed to. You keep piling on the consequences but it doesn’t seem to work or at least not for long. You find yourself yelling more because it seems like the only way anything gets accomplished, and now you just feel like you are yelling all the time.

Sound familiar?

When it seems like things are getting worse and worse or you are yelling more than you’d like, it’s time to push the pause button and come up with a different plan. We have to adjust our own behavior as parents before we can expect our children’s behavior to change.

It’s so easy to fall into the cycle of punishing more and praising less. Many parents I have worked with have said the same thing – “I have taken everything away but my child is still ‘acting out.’” I would be lying if I said I haven’t also found myself in this same cycle from time to time.

Although punishments (such as reprimands, spanking, taking toys away, and time out) can be effective, there are many caveats to their use and potential unintended outcomes – especially if praise and other reinforcers become increasingly absent. These downsides can include an increase in emotionality and even in challenging behaviors such as aggression. You may also find yourself needing harsher punishers in the future if your child becomes habituated (hence yelling louder and louder, for example).

The good news is there is a better way and it is doable: we need to provide a lot of positive attention before problem behaviors even have a chance to occur.

Just for Attention

Many times when a child is acting out people say that the child is ‘just doing it for attention’. While it is true that we do not want to provide additional attention to that behavior the child is still clearly asking for attention. Human beings are social animals and while some like attention more than others, we all need some level to survive and thrive.

One behavioral strategy is to provide what’s called “non-contingent attention.” This means giving the child attention throughout the day, independent of any specific behavior or requirement. In other words – giving the child attention “for free.” This could be giving them an impromptu hug or kiss as you pass by. It could be talking to them while you are cooking or walking over to them and joining their play for a few minutes. It can be helpful to set alarms at regular times throughout the day to remember to give attention. And if challenging behavior occurs when your alarm happens to sound, just wait a few minutes if possible so you don’t accidentally reinforce the behavior.

Any time you give them your undivided attention can build up their tolerance to not getting it later. If they ‘know’ they will get more undivided attention later it’s not as hard to miss out on it at times. But if it is uncertain when or if they will be able to get your full attention they will try to get it as often as possible.

Buckets

Carol McCloud explained this in another way with her concept of bucket filling. It has been a popular way to encourage schoolchildren to be kind to one another for years. it has profound parenting implications as well. Providing praise and affection at random times can decrease the need for those attention-seeking behaviors later. It fills that space so they aren’t looking to fill it in other ways. When we give compliments, praise, affection, recognition, physical contact, and other positive interactions we fill up their buckets. Children with full buckets are more likely to regulate emotions, be able to concentrate, follow directions, and resolve conflicts.

Corrections, shaming, blaming, yelling and other not-so-positive interactions may take from their buckets. When we are distracted, busy, or unintentionally ignore them we are making challenging behaviors more likely. This happens because children are just trying to get their attention needs met and will do what they can and take what they can get (even if it’s yelling).

For more on the concept of bucket filling go to the bucket filler website.

Needs

It’s no mistake that ‘love and belonging’ is at the center of the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, only after physical needs and safety. Children (and adults) need connection and affection to grow and become their best selves. So much so that a famous therapist, Virginia Satir is quoted as saying that we need 4 hugs per day for survival, 8 hugs per day for maintenance, and up to 12 hugs per day for psychological growth. Hugs have been associated with happiness and health as well as a decrease in illness and stress. These stats are for everyone but seem especially important for children who are growing rapidly.

Hugs are not the only way to physically connect, however, so if you have a child who resists hugs you may want to adapt this concept to fit your family. Older children may resist it but I would argue that it is still important for them. Children with sensory issues may not want hugs often, either. Allow these children to break from hugs when they want, as forced physical contact is not helpful.

Increasing Connection Times

It’s not about a daily connection goal. It’s about maximizing opportunities.

One way to increase connection (and get your first hug of the day) is to prioritize connection when first waking up. If your children are usually the ones waking you up, communicate to them how you would like to be woken up. My children know I want a hug and a “good morning mommy” and they usually throw in an “I love you.” Once I am awake I can return the greeting. This way we are already connecting and starting the day right. Those first greetings (like when waking up or first coming home from work) can be pivotal in solidifying those connected feelings.

Other morning rituals like hair brushing and eating breakfast can provide opportunities for connection as well. Eating dinner, bedtime, and waiting in lines are other ideal times to try and increase your connection. Maximizing connection times may also mean minimizing device times, especially for adults. There are so many things that can be accomplished through our smart devices that it is easy to spend far too much time on them. When we use our cell phones rather than engage with our children we are communicating to them that the phone is more important than they are.

Take Away

Parenting is the hardest job in the world, especially when you are trying to do it well. Every parent has to utilize skills from a variety of professions (chef, counselor, nurse) to care for this other human they have to keep alive each day. A parent’s to-do list never seems to end, and it often feels impossible to balance our family’s needs with our own individual needs and desires. Our attention is consistently divided.

It’s important to not allow ourselves to feel guilty about not achieving the level of connection we want with our children at any particular time. The deck is stacked against us. Our culture values many other things besides connection, and being an adult in our country and culture means we are pulled in many other directions. It is very easy to get wrapped up in the various ‘crises’ that may arise during our day, and there seems to be a never-ending list of distractions and things to pull us farther from our children.

The take-home message here should be that we can always increase our connection with our children. Stressing out about meeting a ‘hug quota’ won’t be helpful for anyone. It’s about awareness and doing what you can. Simply putting the phone aside and providing undivided attention for a few minutes can make a world of difference and can mean the world to the child and a difference in their behaviors. We can start here, right now, one step at a time.

Self-Reflection and Processing

Here is where we align our values with our actions. The daily mini-crises and stressors can pull us away from giving attention. If spending valuable time and attention on our children aligns with our personal and family values we need to look for ways to live this daily.

Take some time to think about and possibly write down the behaviors you are seeing that may be your child asking for attention. We would call these “attention-seeking” behaviors. Are they asking for help a lot, pretending to be a baby, easily frustrated, throwing fits over seemingly small things, ‘refusing to listen’, arguing with you, or getting into fights with siblings?

For ease, you can use this printable worksheet.

Then take a moment to think about the times in your day you can maximize attention for them. Once you have the times in mind you can add ideas for specific actions you can take during them. Maybe it’s in the morning, giving them compliments as you do their hair. Maybe it’s putting your phone down during breakfast. It could be when you pick them up from school (without asking them a lot of questions about their day) and tell them a time you thought of them during the day. Or it could be during dinner or bedtime.

Keep a journal of how much and what kind of attention you are able to squeeze in (in addition to what you are already doing, of course, we know you already do give your child attention). Schedule calendar reminders if you have to. Then check in after a day, a week, two weeks, and a month. Have you noticed any changes in their behavior? Does it impact their behavior if you lapse for a day or two on your attention-giving goal?

For more tips, tricks and ideas follow us on instagram at @OTB.Behavioral

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