Anyone who has been on a fishing trip knows that there are good days when you can catch a lot of fish and other days when you hardly catch anything. Dissapointment is a typical emotions that comes up when the experience doesn’t live up to what we were expecting. This can cause some big emotions in little ones (and even ourselves), but there is a way to combat those!

When we focus on the experience over the final product it can increase our satisfaction and enjoyment. We can help children check expectations to increase their enjoyment of the activity as well.

Why talk about expectations?

• Help manage emotions before and after an event or activity
• Decrease instances of meltdown or explosion
• Decrease the intensity of meltdowns or emotional explosions
• Practice emotional management strategies

Essentially, everyone has a better time.

The strategies may take some forethought and practice but it’s worth the work to help kids check their expectations ahead of time and avoid some of the explosions.

If you search Setting Expectations

When we think of setting expectations ahead of an event or activity it is usually within the setting of parents telling children what behaviors they expect (and don’t want to see). This is a strong behavioral strategy that we also recommend, however, in this post, we are going to focus on setting and checking the child’s expectations.

To Control Anxiety

The fear of the unknown is very real for kids. As they get older they develop more independence and more awareness of the world. From this awareness anxieties can change and grow. A child who once was able to easily go on errands may suddenly refuse to sit in their car seat or show other signs of anxiety. When parents notice this it can be concerning and confusing. One strategy is to talk through the upcoming events. This can help alleviate some anxieties and uncertainties.

How to help?

• When getting into the car review the destination and plan.
  • If the child has been there help them connect a memory or a safe person to the activity or place. “We are going to the park by the pool. We will get to play with our friends from scouts”. (Identify specific people who will be there if you know).
• Have a visual schedule (yes, even for errands).
  • This can be a formal visual (look for our visuals packs) or a simple drawing. Review each one with the child so they can associate the picture with the place. “First we need to stop at the bank, then we have a return to make, and then we will get groceries”.
• Ask the child to think of questions they can ask or answer about the place or activity.
  • Knowing what questions to ask is a skill that children may still be developing. They may ask one thing when meaning another or show signs of anxiety but not ask anything. Encourage them to think of questions they could ask, and maybe ones they could answer for a stuffy or doll.
• Play the “things I KNOW to be true” game.
  • When things are too big and feel overwhelming we can play the what I know game. You may not know what kinds of food or rides are the the fair but you do know that your family is there and we will get ice cream.

To Manage Disappointment

Another method for setting expectations is to manage disappointment (and other strong negative emotions). When we expect a great big something and get something tiny it can trigger a variety of feelings. Often kids will say “It’s not fair” or simply throw a tantrum.

Strategies:

• Parents can review what they know about the event or place they are going to.
  • “Your friend Mary won’t be in your dance class today but the other friends should be”
• Play “would it be ok if…”.
  • Go through scenarios and give them the script to practice in that situation. Ex: Would it be ok if you didn’t win the game? Yes. Because we are having fun and getting better at our skills. Would it be ok if you didn’t catch any fish? Yes. Because we are a team and celebrate other people catching fish and having fun together.
• Practice managing sadness, frustration, and disappointment.
  • Rehearsing the feeling ahead of time can decrease it’s intensity later. It also allows you to practice the coordinating strategy ahead.
  • For some help on a variety of coping skills sign up to get our Calm Down Card Kit.

Practicing the Go with the Flow Attitude

The “make the best of it” attitude is an advanced strategy. It combines checking expectations with gratitude and a growth mindset. It’s a great skill to build up and coach in older children. It can take a lot of practice. The best thing you can do is model this skill in front of your children in the moment.

How to model:

Recognize a personal situation that would benefit from ‘going with the flow’. Something that applies to you is best, especially initially. You can also use these steps to talk the child through a situation that applies to them, however it may be more difficult.

• Recognize emotions that are coming up for you. “I’m feeling disappointment and a little mad”
• Identify how you can calm. “When I feel angry I need to take deep breaths”
• Demonstrate the skill. You have to actually do it. For real. Yes, even if it seems they aren’t paying attention.
• Mindset shift to make the best of it. State what stinks about the situation and what a positive could be. “I’m sad we won’t see our friends there but I’m excited to have a new experience with you”.

Practicing this, even when it’s hard, can make other situations not so difficult. Demonstrating the skill for them and sharing your feelings not only shows your child how to practice the skill but it also communicates to them they aren’t the only ones who need to compromise sometimes. Everyone feels these things at some point.

Summary

Setting expectations isn’t only about telling the kids what you expect their behavior will be. Setting Expectations can describe many different strategies. All of these strategies fall into what professionals call “Antecedent” strategies. It is an antecedent because they come before the behavior or the event. These strategies can help kids (and parents) practice shifting mindsets, control expectations, and manage emotions more easily. They may work well immediately or they may take some practice.

Note: If you continue to have concerns, or issues or need support don’t hesitate to work with your pediatrician, or local professionals or contact us for a free introductory consult.